Thursday, October 29, 2009

D-bags of the road: Part 2 - Two-lane highways

Today we will be continuing the D-bags of the road by paying particular attention to drivers found on two-lane highways. AND we have a Confession Thursday. Two birds with one stone! Joy!

Jerk on the left:
This is the guy who likes the left lane a lot. Usually, this is acceptable if they are driving fast enough. Not acceptable when he is going just above the speed limit and not actually passing anyone. Driver who likes the left lane, you suck. You are causing a long line of, essentially, frustrated stupid-fast people. Really, no one comes out of this happy as those cars start cutting other people off in the other right lane and speed on ahead of you.
"How do know if I'm an jerk-on-the-left?" If you look in your rearview mirror and there are more cars turning out of your lane than entering, this could be a clue. If you are no longer passing cars on your right, this is probably a stronger clue.
"How do I avoid being the jerk-on-the-left?" Simply go back to the right-er lane after you are finished passing the car in front of you. Please. The only pseudo-exception is if there is a left-lane exit. Oooh. I hate those.

Jerk on the right:
This should not be confused with a Stupid Slow driver. The jerk-on-the-right actually drives relatively fast for a driver in the right lane. And be careful not to associate them as a Stupid Fast driver that's just using the right lane for a quick moment. This driver is actually considerate enough to just stay in the right lane if they know they're not going to be the absolute fastest on the road. So then why are they an jerk? Because they are on the right side and usually, they are paired up with an jerk on the left. They are going just fast enough so that a wall has essentially been created for all traffic behind them. Both cars are still approaching slower traffic in front of them, but both are going a frustratingly slower speed than the cars behind them would like.

Confession: Sometimes I really really like being the jerk on the right. There's nothing like seeing that stupid-fast driver be put to a halt by a frustrating wall of traffic on a two-lane highway. The day your child is born may be sightly more fulfilling. Be careful with this move though. You might have one of those drivers that like to defy physics.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Man. You know it's been a long driving day when you get mad at the nice woman who let you turn left at a T-intersection even though she had the right of way. I apologize for saying that such an act was "useless."

I also apologize to any other drivers that I might have expressed strong feelings towards. Except for you, awkward-Honda-Station-Wagon-driver.

You were short, stubby, and accelerated painfully slow to a max speed of 40 mph in the left hand lane at a speed limit of 50. I hope to never encounter you again.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

D-bags of the road: Part 1 - The Basics

So, I thought I should perhaps define who I thought were the douches of the road. Pardon my French. I realize showers were not meant to be taken while in a car. To maintain the attention of my non-existant audience, I will split this up into parts. This also allows me to add on to my list without looking like I forgot a type of driver. So without further ado, here we go with Part 1 with "the basics."

Stupid Fast
Everyone knows what I'm talking about. There's fast, and then there's stupid-fast. These are the people who think they're ACTUALLY in a game of Need For Speed or Gran Turismo. They are weaving in and out unnecessarily through traffic and on open road push 100 before slamming on their brakes at the last second for the poor car who bothered to take eyes off of the rear-view mirror for more than 2 seconds. With an exasperated sigh and angry lights glowing, they quickly cut off the merging/exiting traffic to the right and use that temporary lane to speed ahead of everyone. YOU are the one that causes everyone to hope for a cop around the next turn. Yes. You are a douche. Extra points if you're a ricer, and extra-extra points if your car is old (but not in a "classic" way).

Stupid Slow
I'm not talking about the people who go the speed limit. I'm not even talking about the people going 5mph under the speed limit. I'm talking about the people who are going STUPID-slow. These are the people who are oblivous of the fact that rain doesn't automatically mean driving 40 mph. The people that think they're still on a local road when they're on a major highway. These people are reckless in a completely different way of the Stupid-Fast people. They are completely unaware of their surroundings and how others are reacting to their inability to deal with faster traffic. You cause accidents not by cutting people off in haste, but by causing a sea of red lights behind you. You keep your blinker on forever before taking half a minute to change your lane. You live in your own relative space-time continuum, and in my opinion, you should stick with your walker.

Never to be mixed: Stupid-Slow merging into a Stupid-Fast lane toss.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Why I know God exists: Driving tales

How can I say I know God exists? By the shear number of tremendous accidents that should have happened in front of me but didn't. I know that sounds a little conceited, especially because I've been driving for less than half of my life (if you're nerdy enough, you can figure out that makes me less than 32 years old). But please, humor me for a moment.

You would think on a Friday since I don't have to commute, it would be peaceful day. That I wouldn't encounter a number of AMAZING drivers on the road. You would have thought as I had. And ultimately, you and I would be wrong.

In a fairly impromptu decision, my brother who is visiting this weekend decided to cancel his bus ticket and bum a ride with some friends to see the Army vs. Rutgers game. Knowing this would be my chance to see a game for cheap (ie: free, since I made my brother buy my ticket before I got there), I volunteered to drive up and shuttle him back. I knew it was going to rain. I should have already prepared myself for the driving I was going to encounter. You know, the "get angry at everything, release, and just remember that people are pretty stupid in general" technique. It's what I use to avoid road rage, but sometimes your jaw just drops in awe of what has happened in front of you anyway.

Background: There is a long line of cars in the passing lane (caused by "the slowpoke" and a few cars interspersed in the right lane so that it wouldn't make (normal) sense to ever switch back into the right lane. There is always that rule-breaker though.

Car 1 is coming up quickly on my right showed no signs of slowing down as it approached Car 2 in front and to the right. Car 3 right in front of me was just about starting his pass on that Car 2 when Car 1 decides that he can defy physics and somehow manages to weave between the space between Car 3 and Car 2.

I've included a rough animation of the events for clarification:






I should become part of the next big animation film, right? I know. I'm super talented. I try to be humble, but it's hard when you're this good.

Honestly though. How does an event like that not result in an accident? God. Yep, must be it.

Other events of the night included getting free parking at the game because of the nice parking lady and an extreme version of the "last minute mind-changer" but I've already used up all of my blogging energy making that insanely awesome animation. So that's it for today. Happy Weekend!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Say hello to confession thursdays!

Because after all, this blog IS "confessions of a commuter." I don't know if Thursday has any sort of significance in the Catholic tradition, but for me, it was just the random day that I chose to have "Confession Thursdays." So, here goes:

I speed. No, that wasn't my confession. That would be pretty lame of me. It's pretty much a given that I have a tendency to drive faster than the posted speed limit, and this is true more on highways than local roads. My speeding is not limited to one specific lane, but in all lanes of travel.

That said, I don't mind it if someone is passing me in a designated passing lane. If I'm already speeding and you want to zip on ahead of me, that's fine. You're just using up more gas, and it's just as likely that I'll be right behind you anyway by the time we get to the next toll booth.

My confession is this: I get inexplicably nervous if people are passing to the right of me, but only if I'm in the leftmost lane. Even if I'm sandwiched in the lane with traffic due to someone driving slowly 5 cars up ahead of me, if I see someone on the far right side making a pass, I start to feel insecure.

Why this happens, I'm unsure. Perhaps it's that I'm no longer going my optimal travel speed, and someone is shoving it in my face. Perhaps I somehow feel responsible for this person having to move into a non-passing lane by being in the left lane. Perhaps it's due to my regard for the safety of others as this speed demon weaves in and out of traffic (no, this is not meant to be ironic). Whatever reason, I get agida, and the sooner I get into a middle lane, the better I feel.


Usually which is followed by an immediate switch back into a faster lane so I can pass that slow car 5 cars up ahead.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

On people who have no right to switch lanes

That's right. This first one's going to be a doozy.

And you read it correctly. I'm going to go ahead and say that not only are these people annoying, but they should actually not have the right to switch lanes especially if it's the same that I'm in (which I'm inclined to say is "mine" since I was here first, after all). There are actually several different scenarios that this can be applied to.

The cutoff:
You're driving along in your lane when suddenly you find there is no longer open road (or a normal following distance from the previous car) in front of you but a new bumper inches away from yours. Sir, at that distance, I don't care how fast you'll be following with traffic, that's just a no-no. On the other hand, perhaps this scenario is the first driver's fault as they shouldn't give such a "wide" opening for someone else to squeeze into. Obviously, the preemptive choice is to be tailing the person in front of you to begin with.

The slowpoke:
You're driving along in your passing lane and you notice another car getting frustrated with the car in front of them. He in turn decides to enter in front of you, but does not do so at the lane's average speed, but instead just a few mph's faster than what he was previously traveling. Usually this happens when the passing lane is going 15 mph over the speed limit and the entering car only wants to go 5 mph over. You're not allowed to do this either. If you do, you better go back into the lane which you came from or there's going to be some serious right lane passing coming your way.

The wanderer:
This is probably my favorite (the one I dislike the most). You're driving along on open road. Let's say for this example, there are 4 lanes. Ahead of you a car in its own lane at its own speed, albeit significantly slower. Suddenly, they decide they don't like that lane and enter yours. Excuse me? Do I have a magnet in my car that attracted you to this lane? You're not passing anyone and I'm not in any intermediate lane for you to get to an exit. Why are you here and why are you making me change lanes also?

The last minute mind-changer:
This is actually fairly dangerous, especially if it's a left-lane exit. Their mind: Oh! I need this exit! Wait, no. Not this one. The one 6 miles down the road. Better change back into my original spot even though I'm already slowing down and 3/4 in this other lane!


I know I must be missing a few, but that's what I can think of for now. Whoo, first entry!