D-bags of the road: Part 7 - More Ds

Drifters:
"Hey partner, there ain’t enough room for the two us in this lane." These drivers take their sweet time changing lanes, and so they “drift” into the lane. And then drift out of the lane. Which makes it increasingly difficult for both lanes of traffic involved to understand why time is relatively so much slower for these drivers.

Drunkards:
These drivers are not necessarily drunk. They may be distracted by some other means such as answering their phone, eating food, dropping their cigarette, falling asleep, or a small child throwing objects at them, but hopefully not an actual combination of these. Unlike drifters, these drivers just sort of sit in between two lanes never actually changing lanes, even when the greater majority of their car is now sitting in the latter lane. Instead, when they look up (or become momentarily lucid from their stupor), they lane toss back into their former lane. Be careful of these drivers, especially if you find yourself to the right or left of them. Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200.

On people who don't realize what toll lane they belong to

I refuse to believe that people in New Jersey don't know how to choose a toll lane. That is why I think the car that went across 4 lanes from the left-most E-Z Pass to the next cash lane must have been a car thief from out of state. For shame! That huge ugly brown Ford Expedition did nothing special to be picked out from the other cars!

Honestly, now. If you live here, you need to know where your toll lanes are. The left lanes are designated as E-Z PASS. It means you don't need to have tokens or count change or interact with people and stop completely to pay your toll. It's been like that since before I could drive. Did you forget? Oh, I guess you didn't see the big "E-Z PASS ONLY" painted on the road below you. You must have been going too fast to see.

While we're at it, why don't we also address the guys who are in the left lane for the E-Z Pass Express lane and then cut off people to get into a regular toll lane on the right side? For those who have never experienced E-Z Pass Express, I give my condolences. It's spoiled me. Being able pay my toll at 70 mph feels wonderful. You, man-who-doesn't-realize-what-lane-he-belongs-to, should not be able to dampen my gladness by scaring the crap out of me and the poor grandmother in the right lane by cutting off both of us as you rumble across the white-striped part of the road to pay your toll the old-fashioned way. Guess what? All your speeding to get wherever means nothing when you have to stop to pay your toll.

And then I speed off smugly. I'm such a jerk.

On people who have no right to switch lanes

That's right. This first one's going to be a doozy.

And you read it correctly. I'm going to go ahead and say that not only are these people annoying, but they should actually not have the right to switch lanes especially if it's the same that I'm in (which I'm inclined to say is "mine" since I was here first, after all). There are actually several different scenarios that this can be applied to.

The cutoff:
You're driving along in your lane when suddenly you find there is no longer open road (or a normal following distance from the previous car) in front of you but a new bumper inches away from yours. Sir, at that distance, I don't care how fast you'll be following with traffic, that's just a no-no. On the other hand, perhaps this scenario is the first driver's fault as they shouldn't give such a "wide" opening for someone else to squeeze into. Obviously, the preemptive choice is to be tailing the person in front of you to begin with.

The slowpoke:
You're driving along in your passing lane and you notice another car getting frustrated with the car in front of them. He in turn decides to enter in front of you, but does not do so at the lane's average speed, but instead just a few mph's faster than what he was previously traveling. Usually this happens when the passing lane is going 15 mph over the speed limit and the entering car only wants to go 5 mph over. You're not allowed to do this either. If you do, you better go back into the lane which you came from or there's going to be some serious right lane passing coming your way.

The wanderer:
This is probably my favorite (the one I dislike the most). You're driving along on open road. Let's say for this example, there are 4 lanes. Ahead of you a car in its own lane at its own speed, albeit significantly slower. Suddenly, they decide they don't like that lane and enter yours. Excuse me? Do I have a magnet in my car that attracted you to this lane? You're not passing anyone and I'm not in any intermediate lane for you to get to an exit. Why are you here and why are you making me change lanes also?

The last minute mind-changer:
This is actually fairly dangerous, especially if it's a left-lane exit. Their mind: Oh! I need this exit! Wait, no. Not this one. The one 6 miles down the road. Better change back into my original spot even though I'm already slowing down and 3/4 in this other lane!


I know I must be missing a few, but that's what I can think of for now. Whoo, first entry!